Debate - My Funeral

Life is full of uncertainties, but one thing we all have to look forward to is our deaths. At this point in history, it is pretty safe to say we are all going to die at some stage. What I hope is that my demise doesn’t come during a time of emergency, plague or war. I want to die while my family and friends are still affluent, and don’t have to leave my corpse behind to go fight off a zombie attack. I want to cease to exist in the knowledge that I am going to have one kick ass funeral.

My absorption with my own funeral started when I saw a TV doco about a man with a debilitating disease who planned his impending funeral. What got me was not his mortality, but his sense of humour when getting his coffin made. He instructed them to put a picture of a can of soup on the side of his coffin. It meant absolutely nothing, but he wanted mourners to puzzle over it during the ceremony. It got me thinking about how I’d want my post-life celebration to pan out. Is it a little weird for a just-turned-18 year old to have intricate plans for her funeral? Maybe, but I think it would be far worse to ignore the eventuality altogether.

Despite the fact that I make my father nervous by telling him his options for my remains, I’d hate to be hit by a milk truck one day and leave my friends and family with the burden of hastily planning and paying for my funeral. Funerals, if you haven’t noticed, can be very expensive. There are so many things that need to be paid for- The average casket runs from $500-$3,00, burial is $500 - $1,000, Cremation is $200 - $600, and a headstone can set you back $800 to $6,000. Not to mention all the things you don’t even think to think about, like the cost of printing the brochures with your face on the front. PublicTrust estimates the overall costs at $3,000 to $10,000 or more. It’s pretty darn rude to go ahead and die on your loved ones, but to stick them with the bill is just plain inconsiderate. Funeral trusts, where money is put aside specifically for your funeral, are excellent ideas to help provide for the eventuality. While we are probably all far too young and poor to start saving for something that wont even happen in our lifetime, it bears considering further down the track. In 50 years time, how could you die with yourself knowing that your Grandson Johnny wont be able to go to space college because you had nothing saved up at the end but a box of depends?

On the outset, planning your funeral may seem like a solemn and morbid affair, but it can be almost fun exploring the possibilities. There are so many options aside from the standard coffin, headstone, and service at the RSA affair. Alternatives are also important to look into because traditional burials and cremations aren’t environmentally friendly. Cemeteries are fast reaching max capacity and crematoriums are major air pollutants. Two alternatives are an eco-burial or freeze-dry cremation. An eco-burial is where you a buried in a specialty meadow in a sexy wicker box and left to decompose and replenish the earth. A tree is planted as a marker and you become one with the planet. If you’d like something a little more high tech then you could look to the Swedish Promession process. They basically freeze you, dip you in liquid nitrogen, vibrate you into a powder, remove the water and Vola, environmentally friendly remains! You can then be planted in a shallow grave and fertilize a tree. Not content with just nourishing a tree? You can now have your DNA spliced into one. Don’t want anything to do with a damn tree at all? have your cremains mixed into the concrete of a starter block for a coral reef with EternalReefs. Or maybe you’d like to have part of your remains launched into space with a rocket. If you’d like to go out with a bang, you might opt for being mixed with gunpowder and becoming a firework. Top on my awesome list however, is the option of having your leftovers turned into a LifeGem. Yes, these dead people diamonds are cultivated using carbon from your ashes or hair. What better way to always be with a loved one than to have them on your finger?
And who knows what other alternative body disposal methods will be available by time we reach the ripe old age of dead?

I’ve been considering and planning details of my own funeral for some time, keeping in mind the huge irony that would befall me were I to meet actually meet a premature death. I have no problem telling family and friends of my morbid wishes because the thought of having a standard funeral upsets me much more. My god, I would just DIE if I ended up being buried in a pantsuit after a funeral full of black clad folks singing hymns and listening to someone talking about Heaven.
For starters, I wish to go the Freeze-Dry route, but if unavailable then cremation will suffice. I want my cremains to be divided among family and friends, each with the responsibility to do something awesome with me. I want to be taken on a roadtrip, scattered off a mountain top, snorted with cocaine, made into a diamond, buried under a tree, mixed with a firework and stored on a mantle in the smallest of a set of stacking Russian dolls.
I demand my funeral be a huge party,with much drinking and story telling. I want to greet people at the door with cardboard cutouts of myself, urging mourners to enjoy the orderves. There will be no hymns, prayers, organ music or mentions of God, and the only hark to a traditional funeral will be the reciting of “Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep”
I have assigned some of my friends and family funerally duties, such as Amy, whose job will be to play me my designated funeral song, I Will Follow You Into The Dark –Death Cab For Cutie, say anything style. I have also stipulated that if my death comes as the result of a drawn out illness requiring much hospitalization, then my favourite song, What Sarah Said, also by Death Cab should be played to rub salt in the wounds, as it contains zingers like “Love is watching someone die”.
Jenna has been assigned the role of black clad mourning faux-luvuh. She will wear one of those hats with the black veils, cry loudly during my funeral and throw herself atop my coffin as they take it away.
I’m willing to let many of these details slide when the time comes, but one which I demand must be carried out is that of my coffin. I wish for it to take the shape of a matchbox, complete with strike pads, with the lid pulled down to reveal a giant match between my arms. If this isn’t carried out, I swear I’ll haunt you all.

Death is inevitable, and as such I don’t see the sense in shying away from the subject. We all plan for our future, why not this aspect? What better way to have someone remember your life then with a truly unique funeral? I don’t know about you but I want people to really enjoy saying goodbye to my awesomeness.