Superhero

Being a superhero seems like it would be totally awesome. We spend much of our childhood running around the house with our undies on the outside pretending to be one, and every time another comic book adaptation comes out at the movies I’m like “shit yea, I’d be a GREAT superhero!”
But have you ever considered how much thought and planning would go into being one? I have devised this basic list of things all potential superheroes must consider considering.

1. What Superpower? This isn’t something you usually get to decide in the comic book world, but it bears considering. Would you have one specialty, or a range of powers? Would you superpower be the result of mutation, radiation, alien birth or advanced technology?
2. It’s all in the name- So, you now have your superpower, but what’s your name going to be? It needs to be catchy. It has to sum you up. Do you want “the” at the beginning? Do you end your name with man, woman, boy, girl, thing? Once you’ve chosen, use connections with the newspapers to ensure the name catches on. There’s nothing worse than getting getting “the soaring vigilanty” monogrammed into your suit only to find out the press are calling you “fly girl”
3. Disguise- What will your suit look like? How will you design it, and more importantly, who will make it? The Spiderman movies are full of crap, because he certainly didn’t whip up that suit. There is probably a go to woman for all superhero costuming needs. Try the yellow pages. Do you have a cape, or a mask? Are boots included in the package? Undies on the outside, inside or none at all?
4. Your Posse- The next thing to decide is how you roll. With a crew or league, alone, or with a trusty sidekick? Remember to build up superhero contacts even if you work alone, in case you all need to come together to fight an ultimate evil.
5. Your Enemies- You must now consider whether having a arch nemesis or main foe is important to you. Sure, they can be a hassle, but you’re just not really all that super till you have one. Do you piss off an inept bad guy for the sake of having one, or do you wait until you attract a super villain who will force you to learn about yourself in order to defeat him in a epic battle?
6. Who do you save? One must certainly consider the scope of their operations. Do you save only those within the bustling city you inhabit, or are you the type to try and save the world? Do you work in only large scale savings, or would you take a moment out to help out an old lady cross the road?
7. How do people contact you? How will you allow people to contact you? Will you have a bat signal, or a powerpuff girl-esque red phone, or will you rely on hearing peoples screams for help? Maybe you could invest in a surveillance system and employ minions to monitor it…
8. Don’t give up your day job- Do you have a day job, like superman? Or, do you plan on being a rich, like Batman? Day jobs can provide good alibis, but it can be frustrating if you have to try and save half of Indonesia and get back home in time to show your clients through an open house.
9. Love Love Love- This one is a hard one. Do you date another superhero, or a ‘normie’? It would be easier to date another superhero, but think how much it would suck if they saved Indonesia, sold a house and cooked dinner, and all you did that day was stopped an old lady getting mugged. At least with a normal person, arguments could be solved with “yea well, I saved three cities and an orphanage today, what did you do?!” If you dated a normal person, would you do it as your superhero persona, or as a normal person? Would you tell them or frantically juggle your split lives? Whatever you do, don’t do a Smallville and spend half a season bitching about your damn secret…
10. And finally, and most importantly, Who would you want to play you in a movie of your exploits? Assuming your life as a superhero goes well, and you have a good superpower, a flashy costume, a catchy name, a sidekick, a lover with a sweet ass and a good set of foes, someone is going to want to make a movie. Don’t wait till then to plan your top five potential actors. Let Ben Affleck do it and your name is tarnished forever, but hold out for Christian Bale and girls everywhere will be happy in the pants at the thought of you. And remember, no matter how quirky the director is, say no to nipples on the suit. Just no.

Being a superhero can be a life of excitement and glory, but if you fail to plan out your superhero strategy effectively, or if you’re a total whiny bitch about it, you can spend your life stricken and torn about decisions to be made. So draw up plans now, and when the fateful day comes when you trip over some advanced technology, fall into radioactive waste, go back into time and make yourself a mutated half alien with heat vision, you’ll be set.