Planning my funeral

It is necessary to start off my saying that I am not suicidal in any way shape or form. Nor do I plan to die. Ever.

That said, if I were to die young, it would be tragic and heroic aplenty. People would come from far and wide to mourn the loss of such a bright vivacious woman. Men and women alike would declare their love for me, and scorn the heavens that I was not still here on earth to be appreciated like I clearly should be. Ever seen the funeral from little fish? I would have TWO giants.

In all seriousness, my funeral is something I have occasionally thought about. Above all, I'd wish to be cremated, and for my ashes to be distributed among my close friends and family, to do with as they see fit. Snort me with cocaine, take me on a road trip, scatter me to the sea, keep me on their mantle, make me into a ring. Anything.

But knowing my burial preference is not what started my funeral planning. All sorts of people know that and don't have elaborate death fantasies.

I watched a documentary about two years ago about a man called Jonny Kennedy, who had a skin condition that made his skin fall off. It was a touching programme, but the thing that got me thinking was when he started planning his funeral. He had a couple of months left to live and he went to get his coffin made.
"In June he ordered his coffin and went to watch it being made. He wanted a tiger carved on the side, to denote strength, and “at the far end, the Heinz beans sign. I want people at my funeral nudging each other and saying what does the Heinz beans label signify? It doesn’t mean anything but it will get them talking.”"

I remember watching and thinking Fuck, what an awesome idea.
Hence the first stage of my funeral planning. My coffin.
Seeing as I am to be cremated, I want it to resemble a matchbox, slid down to reveal my face. (Though if it is in less than presentable condition, slid up to show my feet) I want to be holding a large match in my arms.

That's as far as I got with the funeral idea, for years. I mean I didn't head out and start making myself a will after the programme or anything, because that is certainly a touch of crazy.
However to make sure that this would be carried out in the event of my tragic demise, I had to tell enough of my friends and family.


I was at a tea party last week when my funeral plan was mentioned. I can't remember why, but it got me thinking about it again.
I'm on the bus the nest day, listening to some delightful death cab when it hits me how perfect one of their songs would be for my funeral!
"what Sarah said" is a) about death, and b)has my name in it!
On further consideration it may be a bit saltey+woundy, especially if I had died of some long illness.
Even better though, is "I will follow you into the dark" which I promptly texted Amy and informed her she would be playing at my funeral. Video included in post.

Me being me, this got my started on a huge mentalisation of how my funeral and death would go down.

Alana, my twin sister, will have the duty of changing all my online accounts to reflect my deceased status
Natalie, my little sister, would have to clean my room, removing incriminating objects like dirty grundies and fetish porno, if for some reason I had any.
Jenna would have to sit at my funeral in a extravagant black had, with mesh veil, and weep dramatically into a hanky
Amy would play me aforementioned song
Jessie would read me a heartfelt poem
No one is allowed to mention God, in line with my staunch atheism
Someone has to read that "Do not stand at my grave and weep" poem, because although I think it is cliche to do so, it is a beautiful poem and would be appropriate
My funeral would be followed by a GIANT party, where everyone is to get drunk and tell crappy stories about me
I wish to have a life size cardboard cutout of myself at said party.
I have promised Amy that I will swayze her ass, and have listed my preferred medium as Melinda Gordon/Jennifer Love Hewitt, because she has excellent breasts.
Jenna is allowed to plunder my body if she happens to be there when I die. However not if she caused my death.
Someone has to bring my notebooks to the funeral and afterparty so that everyone can revel in my leet scrapbookingesque skills.
All of these plans just kind of followed on from the though about the song, while i was riding the bus.

I was text messaging Amy about it, but it suddenly hit me how abnormal it is to plan your own funeral, especially if you aren't terminally ill or suicidal. Then I realised what horrible, horrible irony it would be if I did happen to die in the near future.

I contacted the editor of Debate (the university weekly publication of which I am a contributor) and asked her if we were having a 'black issue' (to go with the white one, of course) Alas, no, but she did say I can write an article about my funeral for the 'future issue'. Done and done!

Though it is clear most people do not map out their funeral with such enthusiasm, I feel this is reflective of my quirks. I also think it's one part fun/hypothetical and one part the desire for people to be reminded of who I was if I do happen to die. I'd hate it even more if I did die and I ended up with a plain, black coffin, burial and prayer type funeral, because it's so standard and so far from who I am. I don't follow tradition in life, why would I want to in death?

So I will write about it for debate, laminate a copy of the pages, and booyah! living will!